On
the other hand I see in this mutual irritation a tacit acknowledgment
on the part of Aniela that I have the right to love her; for if she
admits the resentment springing from love, she must admit the love
itself. It is a shadowy right, dim and vague as a dream, without shape
or substance; yet I cling to it, for it saves me from utter apathy and
hopelessness.
2 August.
I have received another letter from Clara Hilst. She must have divined
something; there is much pity and sympathy in her words, as if she
knew how wretched I am. I do not know and do not want to know, whether
she loves me as a sister or otherwise, I only feel that she loves me.
I answered her letter in the same hearty spirit, grateful for her
friendliness. She is going to Berlin now, and promises her appearance
in Warsaw for the winter. She wants me to come to Berlin, if only for
a few days. I will not go to Berlin, will not part from my troubles,
but shall be glad to see her again at Warsaw. With Aniela I speak only
of indifferent subjects, so as not to draw the attention of the elder
ladies to the state of things between us. When alone we are both
silent. I noticed several times that she was about to say something,
but seemed afraid; as regards myself I could only say, "I love you;"
and even that seems inadequate to express my feelings.
There is now resentment in my love.
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