But believe me, dearest boy, it
is not family pride, but your happiness I am thinking of."
I soothed her agitation as well as I could, and then said:--
"You must not mind me, dearest aunt; I am like a woman,--a nervous
woman!"
"You a woman?" she said, indignantly. "Everybody is liable to make
mistakes. I only wish everybody had as much intelligence and character
as you; the world would then be quite a different place!"
Ah, me! how can I dispel these illusions? Sometimes I grow quite
desperate as I say to myself: "What business have I in this house,
among these women who have taken a monopoly for saintliness? For me it
is too late to convert myself to their faith; but how many troubles,
disappointments, misfortunes may I not bring upon them?"
10 June.
To-day I received two letters,--one from my lawyer in Rome, the other
from Sniatynski. The lawyer informs me that the difficulties the
Italian government usually raises at the exportation of art treasures
can be got over, my father's collections being private property and as
such not under government control, and that they could be transported
simply as furniture.
I shall have to see to the arrangement of the house, which I do
unwillingly, as my heart is not any more in the scheme. What does it
matter to me now, and what is the use of it? If I do not give it up
altogether, it is only because I spread the news about it myself, and
cannot possibly draw back.
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