I wrote once in this same diary that in certain families they
inoculate their children with modesty as they inoculate for small-pox.
The rule which says the wife shall belong to the husband, and in which
Aniela believes so firmly, is strengthened by that modesty, so knitted
into her being, so worked into the system, that I could sooner fancy
Aniela cold and lifeless than baring her bosom in my presence.
And I can still delude myself with the idea that I may expect anything
from her! It is simple idiocy!
What am I to do then? Go away?
No; I shall not go away. I will not, and cannot.
I will remain, and since my love is idiotic, I will do as idiots do.
Enough of systems, calculations, forethought! Let things take their
own way. My former ways did not lead to anything.
9 June.
She is not a bit happier than I am. What I saw to-day confirmed my
suspicion that she is fighting a heavy battle, with nothing to help
her except the truth of her own faith and convictions.
After the departure of Pan Zawilowski and his daughter, who had paid
us a visit, my aunt, evidently with a certain purpose, began to
enlarge upon the good qualities of Panna Zawilowska. I burst out into
a sudden rage; I was tired, my nerves over-wrought by sleeplessness
and irritated beyond measure. I exclaimed: "Have your way then! If it
be a question of marriage only, and not of happiness, I will propose
to-morrow to Panna Zawilowska.
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