I had done this on purpose to
turn Aniela's thoughts to the past, when she loved me and could love
me in peace. I know the remembrance must be mingled with some bitter
thoughts, even some resentment; it cannot be otherwise; but it would
be worse without the message I sent her through Sniatynski. This
message is the only extenuating circumstance in the whole guilty
affair. Aniela knows that I wanted to undo the wrong, that I loved her
then, suffered, and repented,--am repenting still, and that if we are
unhappy she too helped to bring that unhappiness on both. She is bound
to absolve me in her heart, regret the past and dream what the future
might have been but for my misdeeds and her severity. Even then I was
reading in her face that she felt frightened at her own thoughts
and visions, and tried to drive them away by a conversation upon
indifferent subjects. My aunt is so full of the approaching races
and the expected victory of Naughty Boy, who is put down for the
government stakes, that she cannot think of anything else. Aniela
thereupon began to talk about the races, and made some random remarks
and asked a few questions, until my aunt got scandalized and said:--
"My dear child, I see you have not the slightest notion about races."
I said to her with my eyes: "I know you want to stifle your feelings;"
and she understood me as if I had said it in so many words.
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