The fury of the
gaming-house and the riot of Zaton's seemed far away. The
triumphs of the fencing-room--even they grew cheap and tawdry. I
thought of existence as one outside it, I balanced this against
that, and wondered whether, after all, the red soutane were so
much better than the homely jerkin, or the fame of a day than
ease and safety.
And life at Cocheforet was all after the pattern of this dinner.
Each day, I might almost say each meal, gave rise to the same
sequence of thoughts. In Clon's presence, or when some word of
Madame's, unconsciously harsh, reminded me of the distance
between us, I was myself. At other times, in face of this
peaceful and intimate life, which was only rendered possible by
the remoteness of the place and the peculiar circumstances in
which the ladies stood, I felt a strange weakness, The loneliness
of the woods that encircled the house, and only here and there
afforded a distant glimpse of snow-clad peaks; the absence of any
link to bind me to the old life, so that at intervals it seemed
unreal; the remoteness of the great world, all tended to sap my
will and weaken the purpose which had brought me to this place.
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