Besides, I cannot honestly trace in my own case
the beneficial results of the process. These rubs only make me resolve
that in the future I will not have anything to do with such matters at
all. It is true that I shall not keep my resolution; but that does not
mend matters appreciably.
Moreover, instead of giving me a wholesome sense of hopefulness and
confidence, it only makes me feel acutely the dreary and sordid
elements which seem inextricably intermingled with life, which might
otherwise be calm, serene, and beautiful. I do not see that any of the
people concerned are the better for any of the incidents which have
occurred--indeed, I think that they are all the worse for them. It is
not encouraging or inspiring to have the meanness and pettiness of
human nature brought before one, and to feel conscious of one's own
weakness and feebleness as well. Some sorrows and losses purge, brace,
and strengthen. Such trials as these stain, perplex, enfeeble.
The immediate result of it all is that the work which I can do and
desire to do, and which, if anything, I seem to have been sent into the
world to do, is delayed and hindered. No good can come out of the
things which I am going to spend the hours in trying to mend. Neither
will any of the people concerned profit by my example in the matter,
because they will only have their confidence in my judgment and
amiability diminished.
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